Remembering Kenny
Reflecting On The Life and Death of My Son Twenty Years Ago
It has been three weeks since I last posted an article. I’ve traveled to Michigan, Indiana, and Arkansas to visit with family and preached as a guest for the Bono Church of Christ in Bono, Arkansas. Beyond that, I celebrated my 49th birthday, and my wife and I celebrated our 24th anniversary.
Needless to say but still necessary, I am thankful for the blessings of family, another year of life, and another year of marriage to my lovely wife Laura.
Of course, the last three weeks also had some difficult moments. People who know my wife and I know that our oldest child, Kenneth James, passed away when he was just three days old. I tell a good portion of that story in a chapter called “Lost Sons” which is part of the book Surrendering to Hope: Guidance for the Broken, edited by John Mark Hicks, Bobby Valentine, and Christine Fox Parker.
This year marked the 20th anniversary of Kenny’s birth and death in 2002. I shared the following posts on Facebook and Instagram as part of remembering my son. On July 31st, Kenny’s birthday, I wrote:
On this day twenty years ago our first son was born — Kenneth James Butts. Laura and I were parents and Kenny was our son. Like any parent, we lack the words to adequately describe the joy we had in holding Kenny for the first time. We cried tears of joy but thanked God for Kenny.
I have struggled with what I might say on Kenny’s twentieth birthday. Laura and I have never forgotten this day but twenty years ago we had no idea that Kenny would leave us so soon. We want to celebrate his life, his birthday of July 31st, but it’s so hard because of his unexpected passing on August 2nd. How do we celebrate in the midst of grief?
We share these pictures year after year to remember our son because his life matters, just like we shared him with family and friends when he was born. We do so with a loss that we have never gotten over but have learned to live with over the years. We do so with questions for which there are not any answers but with hope in the resurrected Jesus Christ that Kenny’s life is not over. We celebrate and grieve all together because that’s all we know how to do.
Christian Recording artist Mark Schultz wrote a song called Reminder Me. The third stanza says, “Remember Me when the children leave their Sunday school with smiles. Remember Me when they're old enough to teach, old enough to preach, old enough to leave.”
Followed by these words on the date of Kenny’s passing, August 2nd:
August 2nd is the day that haunts me. Twenty years ago Laura and I brought our son Kenny home and an hour later an ambulance was rushing him to the emergency room where he was pronounced dead. The picture you see of Kenny was the last picture we took of him. Over the last twenty years, I’ve wondered what Kenny would be like today. I’ve wanted to tell Kenny that I’m sorry he couldn’t live, even though there wasn’t anything my wife or I could have done to change the course of history. I’ve wanted to see Kenny one more time.
I know, I know… When Christ comes again, Kenny will rise again. I believe that and my hope in Christ is what keeps me from despair but it doesn’t lessen the loss or take away the pain.
Today I’ll visit Kenny’s grave, something I don’t do often because I live too far away. I don’t know if I’ll cry or just stare at his memorial wondering. But then I’ll get up and keep living life, reminding myself of what I believe — that Christ is risen. That’s what I did twenty years ago and what I’ll keep doing.
By the grace of God.
There’s not much else to say except to note, as I did in my sermon to the Newark Church last Sunday: I’m still here because of the redemptive way God worked through a few other believers who were willing to grieve with me, listen to me without telling me that I just need to get over it. And when I wasn’t sure what I believed or if I could ever trust God again, they didn’t judge me or criticize my apparent lack of faith. Instead, they loved me. Most importantly, it was the grace of God that saved me and it is by the grace of God that I’m here today.
I’ll end this post by noting that there are many others who have lost children too. If or when you choose to remember your child by mentioning them in a public setting, I will listen because I know how important it is to know that your child is not forgotten.
Grace and Peace, Rex